Thursday, December 15, 2011

How many bodily functions can I mention in one blog post

As an early effort in my never-ending quest to embarrass my son, I give you this story:

I'm back at work in the afternoons, which is wonderful but means I have to wear clothes again and shower occasionally.  This morning I found myself alone with Walter and in need of a shower ... it was new and uncharted territory, but I decided I'd look for an opportunity and give it a try.

Walter fell asleep after eating, but I wasn't sure I should move/wake him, so we snuggled in the chair for an hour or so.  I'm pretty reluctant to wake him when he's sleeping.  Finally my need to use the restroom and his early signs of wakefulness convinced me: it was time to move him to the bassinet so Mom could have a bathroom break.  I was sure his eyes would fly open, and for a moment, they did ... and then he looked around, yawned, and went back to sleep.  I stared at him in disbelief, wasting precious bathroom break moments. I went to the bathroom, came back to the bassinet, and stared at him some more.  Still sleeping!  This was my opportunity: shower time was a go.

The downstairs bathroom is on the same floor as the bassinet but not within sight distance ... and yet I found myself keeping the lights off so I wouldn't wake the baby.  I also kept the door open so I could hear him, which would have required extra strong baby lungs indeed.  I showered faster than I've ever showered in my life, including the cold-bucket-of-rainwater shower I took in El Salvador.  Very speedy.  I threw on some undies, a clean bra and robe and ran (quietly) to the bassinet.

There was Walter, eyes open, staring happily at his mobile.  "Oh what a good baby!" I said. He gave me a big smile and said "Ooooh!" (Walter has a very advanced vocabulary of noises.  "Ooooh" is generally a content, chatty noise.  A British sounding "Ow" indicates desire (to play, to eat, etc.) "Eeeeeee" is either the sound of our teakettle boiling or Walter working his way into some serious anger.  "Ah" (as in apple) is indignant, "Eh" is frustrated, "Oh" is disappointment. Etc.)

We smiled at each other for moment before I scooped him up.  And at that moment, a fountain of spit up emerged from Walter's mouth while he simultaneously pooped with such force and volume that it exploded out of his diaper and up his back.  "Ohhhh," I said.  "Good baby."

We cheerfully made our way to the changing table.  I took off his diaper, which was Walt's cue to tinkle.  And then poop.  And then poop some more.  And then some more.  Seriously.  This went on for a long time.  At the end of it, Walter looked up at me with some concern.  I could tell he was looking for a reaction.  I smiled big: "What a good, good baby! Good job Walter!"  He smiled right back at me.  I glanced down at my bra.  Oh boy.  "And guess what time it is?  Lunch time!" Walter smiled.  "Ooooh!" he said.

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